confessions of a pool snob

Until recently I never realized what a luckly little life I had. As a kid,I always had a place to swim. Always. I spent the majority of my summer days spashing,inventing jumps and games, or wandering around in my swimsuit (thank God I got that last part out of my system). My love for poolside summers has yet to leave. I would spend my life in or by a pool baking in the hot sun,carefree...there is just nothing like it.

Fast forward to my adultood.I sit surrounded by a bunch of giant idiots, who, as best I can figure, have never seen one of these concrete ponds. Let's be honest,I'm not entirely sure if these people are allowed out on their own. I suspect many are here on some sort of weekend pass. The following is a simple guide to the shared pool experience, brought to you by a disgruntled pool snob after having witnessed each violation in recent days.

1. White underpants are,under no circumstances, acceptable replacements for swimwear.
This applies to children in dingy superhero underoos as well as mothers in granny panties. Its a universal rule. Unless you can show your lady business all over town there is no need to show it at a public pool.

2. If your child is redfaced and screaming as if you are ripping his very limbs from his body each and every time you playfully dunk a part of him in the water HE DOES NOT LIKE IT. Please try again in the comfort of your own bathtub.

3. No one, having pool etiquite or not, wants to listen to death metal by the pool. And this sentiment is only doubled when you blast your assy music from the "speaker" on your cell phone.

4. When you are 8 splashing adults while doing a cannonball is cute. When you are 48 it is not. (On a side note I was at the pool when a 350-400 pound man told his kids he didn't want to do a cannonball because it would "hurt his abs". Really?)

5. Please do not encourage your kids to pee in the pool. They are already doing it without your help. Oh, and I can hear you.

6. Safety equipment is not there for you to create some sort of hillbilly splash mountain slide. I appreciate the inginuity but perhaps there is a more appropriate arena.

7. Please remove your socks and shoes in the pool. Even if your feet are cold.

8. A baby walker from 1980-before-there-were-safety-regs is not an appropriate sitter while you smoke in the pool.

9. I can see your wiener through the mesh shorts you are working overtime as swim trunks.

10. Please,for the love of all that is good, do not name your child Marco and then bring him to the pool to yell at him all afternoon. It just fucks with every swimmer's head.