Why I am Single, Reason #391

I am no stranger to meeting a potential date online. I have met great men that way. I have also acquired stories that would blow anyone's hair back by being open minded enough to meet a man on the internet. Today, I ran across this little gem. Look closely, this young man is wearing a gold chain...with Jersey Shore hair...IN A TANNING BED. Out of the gallery of his life, the best photo this man could come up with was of himself in a tanning bed. He looks like Jersey Smurf. Somewhere Snookie's heart would be a flutter and I am SURE he was fresh from the gym and on his way to do some laundry...a little GTL. It's practically a situation.

sarcasm,chapter one

I'm pretty sure there is a man in the world daydreaming about me. He is contemplating my allure and our grandbabies and probably praying I show up soon. I am quite certain however, that he is NOT sanding his feet and rubbing organic AS SEEN ON TV magic nonsense on them. I doubt,as he ponders my sexual prowess, that he is measuring his pore size or examing himself for stray unibrow hairs. His toes aren't seperated while he wrestles between what shade of pink will really pop. It hasn't crossed his mind tonight that his hair could stand to be shinier or his ass perkier. Boys are so weird.

My New Man

It's official. I am in love. I have been swept off my feet by a 62 pound chocolate hunk of love. The following is the beginnings of our special love....

Friend: you really need a dog. Let's just look.
Me: yeah,I'm not getting a dog right now,too much going on...but fine I will look. Oh and I'm not getting a dog. Well not unless he is perfect. Like the DJ Jazzy Jeff to my Fresh Prince, the Tubbs to my Crockett...kapish?
Friend: yeah that's not going to happen but you still need a dog. Trust me.

Enter "Otis" (his shelter name)...who walks in with charming confidence and plops himself on my lap, buries his head in my lap, and declares me his. The bun to his burger, the hand to his glove, the Bert to his Ernie...you get the idea. So after sleeping on it, we made it official on Sunday. And now we are spooning while he farts it up. True love, it couldn't be anything else.

Hey I know dog ownership is not world peace or even inner peace for that matter. I hope I can be all he deserves and that he will be healthy and happy. Free to fart in peace. I don't know who gave him up. I can't even imagine it, but whatever the circumstances I am grateful to be his new lady.