Snakes,snails, and puppy dog tails

I was in a sticker club once. We named the closest bus stop our club house. That lasted one Saturday afternoon. I also used to dress as Wonder Woman every single day (shout out to my mom for the extra attention to laundry). I spent 92% of my time outdoors on a perpetual adventure. I had nothing to think or worry about. My only responsibility was to be home before the street lights come on. Life. Has. Changed.

The boys in my class used to play a game called dick tag. I remember it well and I have yet to grasp the thrill of grabbing friends weiner for sport. The boys at work last week held "boner races". Before the erection olympics could light the torch we obviously put the kabosh on that activity. I couldn't help but remember the dick tag days as I pondered the games that boys play. I have never raced a friends vagina across a finish line or even grabbed it in the name of friendly,playground competetion.

Last night I was talking with a man I recently met. He is pretty funny and a stand up guy. Before I knew it he was telling me about a recent bet that went awry. The result: he gave his buddy "a titty twister...a good one too...left a mark the size of a coffee cup. It was hard to because he doesn't really have any titties,cause he is so skinny". So this 32 year old, divorced father of 2 still uses titty twisters as a form of retaliation. Life. Hasn't. Changed. At least for men. They get to play games. They don't talk or text or meet over coffee or even gossip. You pissed me off...here is a purple nerple aaaaand scene. Back to friends.

At first, the titty twister thing made me raise aneyebrow, but the more I thought of it, the more I admired the games boys play. And while I won't be racing my lady business across a finish line any time soon, I do see the merit in the quickpain approach to mending relationships. So keep me happy ladies or guard those titties. Consider this the warning for mending the fences over a quick grab and twist.

confessions of a pool snob

Until recently I never realized what a luckly little life I had. As a kid,I always had a place to swim. Always. I spent the majority of my summer days spashing,inventing jumps and games, or wandering around in my swimsuit (thank God I got that last part out of my system). My love for poolside summers has yet to leave. I would spend my life in or by a pool baking in the hot sun,carefree...there is just nothing like it.

Fast forward to my adultood.I sit surrounded by a bunch of giant idiots, who, as best I can figure, have never seen one of these concrete ponds. Let's be honest,I'm not entirely sure if these people are allowed out on their own. I suspect many are here on some sort of weekend pass. The following is a simple guide to the shared pool experience, brought to you by a disgruntled pool snob after having witnessed each violation in recent days.

1. White underpants are,under no circumstances, acceptable replacements for swimwear.
This applies to children in dingy superhero underoos as well as mothers in granny panties. Its a universal rule. Unless you can show your lady business all over town there is no need to show it at a public pool.

2. If your child is redfaced and screaming as if you are ripping his very limbs from his body each and every time you playfully dunk a part of him in the water HE DOES NOT LIKE IT. Please try again in the comfort of your own bathtub.

3. No one, having pool etiquite or not, wants to listen to death metal by the pool. And this sentiment is only doubled when you blast your assy music from the "speaker" on your cell phone.

4. When you are 8 splashing adults while doing a cannonball is cute. When you are 48 it is not. (On a side note I was at the pool when a 350-400 pound man told his kids he didn't want to do a cannonball because it would "hurt his abs". Really?)

5. Please do not encourage your kids to pee in the pool. They are already doing it without your help. Oh, and I can hear you.

6. Safety equipment is not there for you to create some sort of hillbilly splash mountain slide. I appreciate the inginuity but perhaps there is a more appropriate arena.

7. Please remove your socks and shoes in the pool. Even if your feet are cold.

8. A baby walker from 1980-before-there-were-safety-regs is not an appropriate sitter while you smoke in the pool.

9. I can see your wiener through the mesh shorts you are working overtime as swim trunks.

10. Please,for the love of all that is good, do not name your child Marco and then bring him to the pool to yell at him all afternoon. It just fucks with every swimmer's head.

Charmed, I'm sure

The following is an actual conversation I had tonight with a man I recently met. an important note: I met him only briefly and this was our first conversation longer than two minutes. I will cut right to the good part but there was a hello and a few seconds of weekend rehashing prior to the real meat of the conversation. I assure you this is the non-exaggerated, God's honest truth as I have neither the energy nor the creativity to make this shit up.

Dude: Yeah, I haven't had a drink since 99, but I think I'm a sex addict.
Me: Oh.
Dude: I mean sometimes my girl and I used to just F all weekend. Well, have food delivered and F all weekend.
Me: Oh.
Dude: Its cool though, cause last week I got tested. I mean they swabbed my dick, took my blood, made me piss in a cup. But I'm clean as a whistle. I'm kind of surprised...but yeah I'm clean.
Me: Well, that's good news.
Dude: Well, yeah but I haven't had sex since then.
Me: a week ago?
Dude: yeah, that's a while.

The conversation ended a few minutes after he told be about his Phillipino girlfriend who used to instruct Zumba.He thought I seemed pretty overwhelmed....and here I thought he wasn't really good at reading people.