Fish Tales

First, I'd like to share with you one of my dating rules. Always have more than one first date planned at a time. First dates are tricky and second ones sometimes allusive. It really helps to keep things light if you have something (read:someone) else to look forward to. Im not suggesting you get naked with all of them (they are first dates after all). I also don't suggest letting the dudes in on your multi dating practices. Its frowned upon, but trust me, still a good idea.

So I had a recent mini date...a first one with an awkward/cute guy I met online. Once in a while I have a strange attraction to the goofy guy. Since it was a mini date and I didnt really want to have someone come over ( I have learned my lesson). We agreed that he would meet me in the park outside my house and join me for the late night dog walk. So the pup and I are all ready to leave the house and I swing the door open and there, on my doormat, is a dead fish. Like a whole dead fish. Probably about 8ish inches long (not someone's pet). WTF. I look over and see what I think is a giant steak on my neighbors doorstep( I later learned it was like a five pound raw porkroast). WTF. I slam the door, call my date and tell him whats going on and that I will need a minute. On an unrelated note a firetruck and ambulance have also pulled up at the same time. Holy freaking chaos.

Look, I pride myself on being independant. I may not always know what Im doing but I do it mostly on my own. BUT I do not touch dead animals. HOLY GEEZ. So I pull my doormat over and pups and I go meet the date. Incidentally, if someone is uncomfortable in his own skin, chances are all the added nonsense wasnt exactly going to set him at ease. So the date, myself, and the dog take a couple of laps and sit down to chit chat and I return home...not inviting him up because things were weird enough as is. I run upstairs only to find the mat and fish returned to their original spot...only time someone had REMOVED THE FISH EYEBALLS. Oh, good. So I wrap the whole thing up in the doormat, throw it in a bag and take it immediatly to the dumpster downstairs. (Another aside:I do NOT take garbage out at night because I do not want to be attacked by racoons who are no doubt waiting to maul me when I throw my stuff out after dark. So clearly this was an emergency.)

As I was holding my (now drunken)version of the neighborhood watch my Egyptian neighbor comes out and I fling my door open to him saying "MEAT, ON MY DOOR!" False alarm. Okay, I am the google queen. I have no google shame. Seriously. So I had already googled fish on the doorstep to find out that the mafia was coming after me (as in swim with the fishes). I pretty much hung that up because I have no mafia ties and I dont really piss anyone off enough to murder me and pork my neighbor. So after a little "this is weird" chatter between the neighbor and I it was bedtime.

A little while later the neighbor returned to tell me that the mafia is probably going to kill one of us and let the other go, according to her sister who knew that all this "dead meat" stuff was not cool. So, against my better judgement, we called the police. We waited about an hour for them to show up and take down our info in case someone does try to murder us or something, that shit will be on the news.

My neighbor apparantly knows EVERYTHING about EVERYONE in my neighborhood. I have been quite uncomfortable for a few months. Turns out, my gut was RIGHT ON about everything I had suspected and then some. NOT GOOD. Thing are worse than I thought. So, lets hope that when my lease is up (not soon enough) I can make a positive move out of this place.

So I started with a dating lesson and I learned one too. The guy I end up with removes dead fish. It goes like this, he offers, I say no, and then he does it anyway, because no lady should have to wrap up a dead anything and try to fight off angry mobs of racoons (they really do hide in dumpsters, its like their Thanksgiving). Lesson learned.