We value your business, someone will be on the line promptly to ruin your day.

Customer Service.

Two words, one big fat nightmare. I've been taught that all business is customer service. I work in mental health, providing services to people who hear voices, see things, and believe kool-aid is juice. Still, I have to keep in mind that they always have choices. They can go to any provider in town...so I have a job to do AND I have to keep them happy. Customer service is always on my mind.

I once got hung up on for saying "bullshit" to a student loan company. This was AFTER they took an extra payment out of my account, overdrafting my account and causing complete mayhem, days before Christmas. But that was student loans, which I suppose is more of a dictatorship than a customer service issue. But for the record, it was bullshit!

The cable company I use has a new policy that states if a customer is rude to them, they are able to discontinue services. The same cable company requires me to take 45 minutes to pay my bill each month because their system doesn't recognize the @ symbol they require to log on to pay a bill online. Additionally, the same company crossed some wire at my grandmother's house, causing the 911 dispatchers to think someone at her address was calling and hanging up. The police came out to her house on several occasions. But please, for the love of all things kind, be gentle with the service provider.

I thought the cable company had the worst service known to man. That is untill my cell phone provider slowly drove me to the brink of insanity. I give them credit as I believe the patience they've shown in their attempt to send me into longterm psychiatric care is not only unusual but clearly took years of planning and dedication...to me, the customer. My prior belief that they were top notch can only be attributed to Stockholms syndrome.

Whenever my grandma is truly outraged she writes a letter to the editor, so bear with me, as this is my version of that...

Ten months ago I bought a shiny new red phone when it was time for my upgrade. Since then I've had four new phones of the same kind. Each of them hung up mid call during 90% of all phone calls requiring me to turn my phone off and then back on so that I could call back between 8 and 12 minutes later. Convenient. The response of the phone company.."wow, that is so weird, I can't believe that is happening. That never happens." Right.

Recently, I dropped my phone in a cup of iced tea. To be fair, the dog was whining his head off, I was lost, and my turn signal noise wouldn't stop. So I didn't have the good sense to just throw the cup away and walk away from the phone, contract and all and walk away from the whole mess. But I own it phone #4 was my fault. I paid the (very high)premium to get a new one and they sent it out.

Phone #5: the keyboard doesn't work.

Phone #6: the speaker vibrates whenever someone is talking.

And then I come unglued.

I decide face-to-face will work better, really get the point across. So I go to the store and am promptly told they can't help since they aren't corporate. Awesome.

So I call. And I try not to cuss because they will hang up on me. So I talk quietly and slowly because I realize I'm going to lose it. So some angry woman (no, not me) is going on about how its not their fault and how I should be happy to get a replacement at all. So I give in and say sure, send me yet another shiny red piece of crap. Can't wait.

Days go by. I start to think its odd that they haven't contacted me and the (SEVENTH) phone has yet to arrive, so I call them back. I get to speak with Scott...who I can only imagine is 22 wearing swim trunks and one of those thsirts made to look like a tuxedo. Scott Tuxedo tells me that he can see the notes from the coversation but that the (SEVENTH) phone was never ordered. Are. You. Kidding. Me? Scott goes on to say how strange it is that they would send me seven of the same phone. You don't say? And if I am willing to pay my bill a few weeks early(?) then he will be glad to see if I can get a new model. Now, that's cute Scott but do you realize how mad I'm going to be if I do that and you aren't able to help?! Good point, so he tells me, if I'm willing to be patient and wait to pay my bill as usual then MAYBE they could send me a new model then. All the while he is saying things like I didn't say this or you didn't hear this from me. How reliable.

So I say no, just send the replacement because "I'm sure when that one stops working in a few weeks I can just call back then."

And then he says the thing that sent me into crazy town.

"You know ma'am, sometimes when we think negative things will happen, they really do. Maaaayyybe if you can think positivly about this new phone( THE SEVENTH PHONE OF THE SAME KIND!!) then it will be work well."

You're right Scottie Tuxedo, the power of positive thinking. My bad. Now I see where. I went wrong.

He may as well have said I was asking for it. I said no but my cleavage said yes, or whatever those skeezy lifetime movie guys say. He did shut me up. I was beat into submission. Nothing left to argue about. Captive for another year. You win. The mentally ill have endless choices and I am stuck with these tricky bastards and the warehouse of shiny red phones posessed by the devil himself.

And we're off....

1. I love subtle colors and different textures all mixed together. So I made some and bought some of the pillows in the pile here.

2. This is an infinity scarf I made out of VERY inexpensive fabric...half off the half off fabric and the total cost for this sparkly number is $1.50. This took a little bit of trickery to get together but I love how it turned out.

3. My grandma sews like you would not believe. Her talent is unmatched and I am pretty sure she has altered or outfitted much of the people in my hometown. She does it to perfection! Anyway, she sits on a little bench when she sews and inside this little bench is a plastic box of buttons. The lid pops off if you dare touch it because it is so full. I always loved looking in the box of buttons, they are so colorful and quirky. So her buttons inspired my button lined table runner. I originally wanted to use grey flannel but I had to settle for grey fleece. Its a bit too thick...ironically had I been a clothes hoarder I could have lined the streets with the grey flannel of my high school roomate. Alas, I am now flannel free and had to settle. Arent those buttons adorable though?

4. The "doggy bag".This one is my favorite. I realize that my dog does not need to have his own luggage but when I saw this adorable fabric I couldnt resist. The outside is a flannel puppy print and the inside is cotton. There is a "B" ironed on because I couldn't resist the idea of monogramming this.

A side note, while he doesn't need the bag.(Nor was he all that impressed with it). I do take him out and about quite a bit, so now I dont have to carry dog food and drooly, well-loved toys for him to play with.

So there you have it, the kickoff of all things crafty for the year. I have also managed to cook up a few things and head out snowtubing for a weekend with my girlfriends. What a great time of giggles, snow, and cocktails!

Happy New Year

I love stacks. Stacks of towels on display at Macy's, stacks of magazines...colorful, organized. I spent the first day of the new year putting away the holiday stuff and then organizing a new bookshelf. I also love books, and hardly ever get rid of them, UNLESS I think someone eles will love it as much or more than I did. I love my collection of books! Now they are neatly put away in a bookcase that is just like the super great Expedit bookcase at Ikea. My good friend told me there was a similar bookcase for about half the price...so I sold some old stuff I didn't need or want anymore and picked up the new thrifty, trendier bookcase. Loving it!!

So the photo above is of the latest stack of fabric I picked up on MAJOR SALE at JoAnn's today. I love a good deal! So stay tuned and see what becomes of the pile. Big plans. BIG! :) Love and a happy new year to you.

The REAL Christmas list.

Do we ever really tell people what we want? Maybe not, but there are two shopping days left so feel free to pass it along to all of your rich friends.

1. Electronic Bundle. In the last few months my ipod,camera,and laptop died!!

2. A cloak of invisibility. I promise not to be pervy, I just want to avoid my crazy neighbors.

3. Cooking classes and/or guitar lessons

4. A butler. A cool one, like Alfred. Yeah.

5. A Goonies like adventure.

6. My own carpenter.

7. Laser hair removal.

8. A pontoon.

9. A puffy vest in every color. Its freezing and all I do is drive all day. I can't stand wearing a coat!

10. A scarf for every mood and occasion...oh okay a purse too. If you insist.

11. The acceptance of the siesta in the US.

Happy Shopping :)

Slapping that New Years Baby Right on the Ass

Confession: I am a terrible blogger. Those of you who know me...okay you all do, at least right now, know that I didnt want to blog for a long time for fear of looking like a self indulgent ass hat. Life has had many changes as of late, some good, some heartbreaking and none I felt like sharing here (or anywhere else for that matter).

Confession #2: I hate New Years Eve. It panics me to think of being in my ratty old slippers old and alone with a frozen pizza and a homemade pina colada. Have you ever seen the movie 200 Cigarettes? (On my Christmas list, if youre still shopping haha) I love that movie, it sums up NYE to perfection. A whole lot of fuss and drama for a huge ass let down and in the end, you probably spent the night with the same people you spend every other night with. Watch it, its worth it, you have my gaurantee.

The only let down bigger than NYE is the new years resolution. Most of those are gone before the hangover. That said, in the spirit of trying something new I will be going a little different direction with the blog in coming months. I spent the last 3 days sick, curled up with my dog and looking at craft/foodie websites and just drooling over how colorful and warm they are. I am always working on a project so I figured what the hey, I will start posting some of them here.

While there will still hopefully be funny stories about stupid boys and the ignorant swarms at the pool, here is hoping to liven things up in 2011 both here and in my actual day-to-day. Bare with me, encourage me, laugh with me, mostly pray for me.Share your creativity with me and lets give this a whirl.

Damnit, I like presents, too.

Excuse the Carrie Bradshaw moment but I started thinking recently about the gifts for the single woman. See, there are a lot of really great things about the adventure of being single, but one of the things you miss out on is registering for all of the sweet things you want and having someone else foot the bill for your champagne taste. So the following is the list of things I think every single woman needs.

1. A really great dinner. Complete with dessert and all the tools with which to prepare it. Let me save you some time, the cuteness of being the girl who can’t boil water WILL wear off. Be able to make a great meal for yourself, your friends, and maybe even a lucky man.

2. Enough books to read, movies to watch, food to eat, and tequila or wine to drink for the weekend blizzard that I PROMISE is around the corner. I have yet to see a winter that didn’t include a snowed in weekend. Don’t be caught alone without the essentials.

3. Condoms.

4. An Ipod for dancing it out. Some ailments have no other cure.

5. A really great friend who will take you vibrator shopping.

6. A toolkit. Look, I don’t care if you call the tools the right thing or even use them correctly. There is power in being able to fix something yourself.

7. Lingerie that makes you feel like the woman he thinks you already are.

8. Someone to go on vacation with.

9. Something to work on. You aren’t done. Learn something, be someone worth finding.


10. A friend in the same boat. The older you get the harder it is to find someone going through the same things. When you do, hold on to her. You will need a friend who gets it.

Fish Tales

First, I'd like to share with you one of my dating rules. Always have more than one first date planned at a time. First dates are tricky and second ones sometimes allusive. It really helps to keep things light if you have something (read:someone) else to look forward to. Im not suggesting you get naked with all of them (they are first dates after all). I also don't suggest letting the dudes in on your multi dating practices. Its frowned upon, but trust me, still a good idea.

So I had a recent mini date...a first one with an awkward/cute guy I met online. Once in a while I have a strange attraction to the goofy guy. Since it was a mini date and I didnt really want to have someone come over ( I have learned my lesson). We agreed that he would meet me in the park outside my house and join me for the late night dog walk. So the pup and I are all ready to leave the house and I swing the door open and there, on my doormat, is a dead fish. Like a whole dead fish. Probably about 8ish inches long (not someone's pet). WTF. I look over and see what I think is a giant steak on my neighbors doorstep( I later learned it was like a five pound raw porkroast). WTF. I slam the door, call my date and tell him whats going on and that I will need a minute. On an unrelated note a firetruck and ambulance have also pulled up at the same time. Holy freaking chaos.

Look, I pride myself on being independant. I may not always know what Im doing but I do it mostly on my own. BUT I do not touch dead animals. HOLY GEEZ. So I pull my doormat over and pups and I go meet the date. Incidentally, if someone is uncomfortable in his own skin, chances are all the added nonsense wasnt exactly going to set him at ease. So the date, myself, and the dog take a couple of laps and sit down to chit chat and I return home...not inviting him up because things were weird enough as is. I run upstairs only to find the mat and fish returned to their original spot...only time someone had REMOVED THE FISH EYEBALLS. Oh, good. So I wrap the whole thing up in the doormat, throw it in a bag and take it immediatly to the dumpster downstairs. (Another aside:I do NOT take garbage out at night because I do not want to be attacked by racoons who are no doubt waiting to maul me when I throw my stuff out after dark. So clearly this was an emergency.)

As I was holding my (now drunken)version of the neighborhood watch my Egyptian neighbor comes out and I fling my door open to him saying "MEAT, ON MY DOOR!" False alarm. Okay, I am the google queen. I have no google shame. Seriously. So I had already googled fish on the doorstep to find out that the mafia was coming after me (as in swim with the fishes). I pretty much hung that up because I have no mafia ties and I dont really piss anyone off enough to murder me and pork my neighbor. So after a little "this is weird" chatter between the neighbor and I it was bedtime.

A little while later the neighbor returned to tell me that the mafia is probably going to kill one of us and let the other go, according to her sister who knew that all this "dead meat" stuff was not cool. So, against my better judgement, we called the police. We waited about an hour for them to show up and take down our info in case someone does try to murder us or something, that shit will be on the news.

My neighbor apparantly knows EVERYTHING about EVERYONE in my neighborhood. I have been quite uncomfortable for a few months. Turns out, my gut was RIGHT ON about everything I had suspected and then some. NOT GOOD. Thing are worse than I thought. So, lets hope that when my lease is up (not soon enough) I can make a positive move out of this place.

So I started with a dating lesson and I learned one too. The guy I end up with removes dead fish. It goes like this, he offers, I say no, and then he does it anyway, because no lady should have to wrap up a dead anything and try to fight off angry mobs of racoons (they really do hide in dumpsters, its like their Thanksgiving). Lesson learned.